


This Old Love

by elem (elem44)



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Episode Related, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-22
Updated: 2009-12-22
Packaged: 2018-08-16 18:30:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8112844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elem44/pseuds/elem
Summary: A Night episode addition. Chakotay decides he’s had enough of Kathryn’s behaviour.





	

**Author's Note:**

> A Night episode addition written for char on her birthday. Many happy returns m’dear.
> 
> Thanks to Kim J for the wonderful beta.

Chakotay stood outside her door; his hand twitched as it hovered over the chime. He took a deep breath and made a concerted effort to remain calm, then with a decisive jab, pressed for entry. His resentment simmered just below the surface but he knew that if he allowed it to show, this uncomfortable situation would only become more untenable.

The door slid open and he peered into the gloom. She was in her usual spot by the far viewport, a lone figure, silhouetted against the dim glow of the lighting panel.

She glanced in his direction and with a terse nod, invited him to enter.

While his eyes adjusted to the muted lighting, he gave her a succinct report about the theta radiation they’d picked up on long-range scans. She neither moved nor looked at him the entire time and, when he’d finished his report, another curt nod was the only response he received.

He knew it was the only one he was likely to get unless he pushed her to say something. After the expected silence he prompted. “It’s probably nothing. Just background theta radiation. But it could mean there’s someone nearby.”

“Distance?”

One word. It was a start. “Approximately twenty-five light years.”

“It’s a long shot, but alter course.”

A decision – even better. “Yes, ma’am.”

“If that’s all, Commander?”

It was a dismissal but he wasn’t ready to leave yet.

In a light and friendly tone that contradicted how he felt, he tried once more to pierce the rigid wall of detachment she’d erected around herself. “Actually, I’d like to make a request. I’ve been saving up my holodeck rations and I’ve got three full hours coming. Any chance I might persuade you to join me for a few rounds of Velocity? It’ll help clear your mind.”

The brittleness in her voice was chilling. “My mind is perfectly clear.”

Chakotay was finding it more and more difficult to keep his tone civil as Kathryn went out of her way to be as cold and remote as possible. His fists clenched and he could feel the muscles tightening across his shoulders. “And what if I told you I’m not leaving until you join me?”

“I’d say, have a seat, it’ll be a while.”

Her harshly flippant attitude set his teeth on edge and he couldn’t keep the rancour from his voice as he challenged her. “Then I’ll be blunt. You’ve picked a bad time to isolate yourself from the crew. This ship needs a Captain, especially now.”

Kathryn turned towards him, emerging from the gloom, her hair untidy and her jacket long discarded. She waved her hand dismissively. “Would you be satisfied with ‘I’m just catching up on some reading’?” Her voice held a bitter sting of sarcasm; a glimpse of Janeway spirit rising to the surface but almost as quickly as it had appeared, it was gone. Running her hand through her hair, she turned towards the dark viewport again and spoke almost apologetically. “I’m not sure I understand it myself. It started when we entered this, what does the crew call it…?” She glanced at him.

“The Void.”

“Charming.” Kathryn turned back to the viewport again, rubbed her hands over her face and sighed. “Oh, what I wouldn’t give for a few Borg cubes about now. Anything for a little distraction. Strange as it sounds, I almost long for the days when we were under constant attack. No time to stop and think about how we got stranded in the Delta quadrant. How did we end up here, Chakotay?” Glaring at him angrily, she rounded on him now and demanded, “Answer me.”

He took a moment to coin his response. “We were faced with a difficult choice. We had the means to get home but using it would’ve put an innocent people at risk, so we decided to stay.”

Her eyes hardened and her jaw set as she hissed at him. “No, no. **_I_** decided to stay. ** _I_** made that choice for everyone.”

His voice was conciliatory but even as he spoke in his quiet steady tone, he knew it was pointless to try to argue with her. She was years past being reasoned with on this matter. “We’re alive and well, and we’ve gathered enough data about this quadrant to keep Starfleet scientists busy for decades. Our mission’s been a success.”

“The very same words I’ve been telling myself for the past four years. But then we hit this Void and I started to realise how empty those words sound.”

There was a frightening sense of surrender in her voice and it ate at him.

“Kathryn.” He took a small step towards her but she rounded on him again.

Her tone was rough and almost sneering but it also quavered with barely repressed emotion. “I made an error in judgment, Chakotay. It was shortsighted and it was selfish, and now all of us are paying for my mistake. So if you don’t mind, Commander, I’ll pass on that little game and I’ll leave shipboard morale in your capable hands.” With one last angry glance in his direction, she turned dismissively and walked back to the far window where he’d found her. “If the crew asks for me tell them the Captain sends her regards.”

Chakotay’s jaw clenched and he glared at her profile. Taking a deep breath, he prepared to argue further but instead let the air whoosh from his lungs. Suddenly overcome by a numbing wash of ennui, he could garner neither the energy nor the inclination to try to reason with her anymore. What was the point? She listened to no one – she never had.

He was fed-up with her antics and sick and tired of defending her to the crew. He had his own issues to deal with. She could tell them herself that she ‘sends her regards’.

Anger bit hard.

_Fuck!_

He swung around and strode out of her quarters without looking back.

The door snapped shut behind him and with the sound, a torrent of expletives exploded in his head as he took off along the corridor towards the turbo lift.

How dare she treat him like that. What the fuck did she think he was? Her own personal minder; her damned lackey? For spirit’s sake, she was the goddamned captain and contrary to what he’d told the crew, she was _not_ entitled, nor did she have the luxury of shirking her responsibilities because she just didn’t _feel_ like turning up for duty.

_Double fuck!!_

He slammed his hand on the bulkhead as he strode down the corridor. The temptation to call the doctor and have her declared unfit for duty was hard to resist. She’d be mightily pissed off, but after that little display, it was no more than she deserved. Besides, as he saw it, he’d be doing her a favour – giving her a legitimate excuse to languish in her quarters. It would also save him from looking like a simpering ass – trudging down there each shift to brief her like some well-trained lapdog and then inventing excuses for her behaviour. The crew weren’t stupid; they knew what was going on.

Granted, she was miserable but so was half the crew. And as much as they might have wanted to, they were not permitted to swan off and neglect their responsibilities. So why the hell would she be allowed to?

Her behaviour was self-indulgent and childish – certainly not conduct befitting a Starfleet captain. Damn, she could make him angry.

It was his fault, though. He’d been her buffer and emotional protector for so damned long now that it had become a habit to shield her and indulge her whims. But he was worn out and almost too tired of defend her anymore. They were still half a lifetime from home and her rigid observance of Starfleet regulations and her unyielding adherence to protocols – most of which were inappropriate in their situation – only made their journey more difficult. Her aloof and guarded approach to the crew and her refusal to soften that flinty edge of command to allow people to get close to her were finally coming home to roost. She’d managed to isolate herself so effectively that that there was no one else she could ask for help except for him. And now she’d even refused that.

Damn her! He should just leave her there to rot. It’s no more than she deserved.

Goddamn it, he was so angry at her and their situation that he could hardly see straight and was almost to the turbo lift before he jolted to a halt. Why the hell was he arguing with himself and putting up with her ridiculous behaviour? She needed to step up her game. And it was long past time to tell her that he was done making excuses for her.

If he and the rest of the crew kept tolerating this behaviour, it would only get worse. It was entirely possible that she might never come out of her damned quarters.

There was some sort of psychobabble word for it… He thought for a moment and it came to him: ‘Enabling’. That’s exactly what he was doing by allowing her to indulge in this ridiculous pity-fest and it was high time he called her on it. They were all feeling the strain; she wasn’t the only one suffering and for her own sake and that of the crew, she needed to stop being such a self-righteous, self-indulgent pain in the ass.

Pivoting on his heel, he turned around and strode back down the corridor. This time he didn’t ring the chime; instead, he keyed in his access code and without a word, marched back into her quarters.

Kathryn swung around and glared at him, her eyes bright with unshed tears.

His heart melted a little when confronted with such a sad sight, but his anger was honed to such a keen edge that he was able to ignore the pangs of sympathy and without preamble, began berating her.

“How _dare_ you dismiss me like that. I put up with a hell of a lot but I won’t tolerate it anymore, Kathryn. You’ve been holed up in here for weeks and it’s time you got a handle on this. You’re being self-indulgent, self-pitying and it’s beneath you.”

The room was deathly quiet and she spoke slowly and precisely, her voice little more than a whisper. “I beg your pardon.”

Chakotay’s shoulders sagged slightly and he heaved a deep sigh; he was past caring what she did with him. “Throw me in the Brig, hate me forever, but someone’s got to say something.” She took two slow steps towards him, her eyes like daggers, but he continued regardless. “ _Enough, Kathryn._ Enough of the self-blame, enough of the self-recrimination and for god’s sake, enough of the guilt. It’s been four years, for spirit’s sake. **_It’s not your fault_.** How many times do you have to be told? No one blames you for being out here. Not a single member of the crew holds you responsible. It was the Caretaker, _not_ you.”

Despite trying to keep his voice calm, he could sense the rising timbre of frustration and anger. “We were in the wrong place at the wrong time and you made the best decision you could under the circumstances. If I’d been in your place I would have done the same thing. So would have Tuvok and the majority of the crew. You are _not_ alone and you are _not_ to blame. Can you please get that through your head?”

She stared at him, her eyes like fire, her words like ice. “ _Get out!”_

Chakotay’s eyes narrowed and, undaunted, he took a step towards her, crossing his arms obstinately. “ ** _N_ o!** I’m not going anywhere. You said to take a seat, so I’m staying. Get over this, Kathryn, or I’m here for the duration.”

Her nostrils flared and she stared at him coldly, silently daring him to follow through with his threat – so he did. Without taking his eyes from hers, he dropped into the nearest chair. He clasped his hands across his belly, stretched his legs out in front of him and, crossing them at the ankle, waited for her reaction.

She stared at him for a long moment before turning away from him to stare out the window again. “Suit yourself, but don’t expect me to talk to you or acknowledge your presence.”

“That’s fine by me. Sulk and behave like a three-year-old but at least have the decency to do it quietly. I could do with the downtime.”

He could see her body tense at his words, but she refused to be goaded. Damn, she was one determined woman. It was one of the things he loved best about her and, although he was still seething, he could feel the corner of his mouth twitching with the beginnings of a smile. The situation was completely ludicrous and if someone had told him two months ago that he would be sitting in Kathryn’s darkened quarters while the ship sailed through a whole lot of nothingness – playing emotional chicken with her as if they were a couple of preschoolers – he would have laughed in their face. Right now it didn’t seem the least bit strange or terribly funny, although he was quickly beginning to see the humour in the situation. There was, of course, the distinct possibility that she would do something dire to his person and his smile twitched again as he studied her stubborn profile. Then he watched as she crossed her arms, clenched her jaw and pretended to ignore him.

He figured he had nothing to lose, the Brig probably being his next port of call, so he verbally prodded her again. “What are you planning on doing Kathryn? Staying in here for the entire two years?”

“That is none of your business, Commander, and if I do, it’s my prerogative.”

“Well then, you may as well hand over the captaincy now and be done with it.”

She swung around, her arms unfurling and her hands finding her hips as she confronted him. “So that’s what you want? My ship? You bastard!”

He refused to rise to the taunt and curbed the desire to roll his eyes and laugh. Instead, looking down at his hand, Chakotay concentrated on a small scratch on the knuckle of his index finger, flicking at it with his thumb. “Well, _you_ don’t seem to want it and someone has to run the show.” He raised his eyes and brazenly quirked an eyebrow as he met her icy glare.

Her eyes lit with fire. “Damn you!”

He watched, enthralled. As angry as Kathryn was, she fought the urge to lash out. The captain was still in control.

He didn’t flinch. After all these years, he was immune to her death glare and it was high time she learned that he wasn’t the pushover that she assumed he was.

She whispered harshly. “All this time and I thought I could trust you.”

Chakotay huffed a cynical laugh, his tone bitter. “You know full well you can trust me, Kathryn. Don’t play games with me. I’m past that; _we’re_ past that. You’re hurting; I understand that, a lot of us are, but hiding in your quarters isn’t the solution. All it’s doing is weakening your position as captain. I came to help and I still want to.”

“By relieving me of my command? Don’t manipulate me, Commander.”

“ _Me,_ manipulate _you_?” He stifled a disbelieving guffaw but an irreverent snort escaped before he could contain it. “ _This_ coming from the master.”

Kathryn’s eyes flashed and without a word, she swung around, striding towards her bedroom. She was quick but he was quicker and grabbed her wrist as she swept past his chair.

She tried to pull free but Chakotay held on tight, pivoting to his feet and pulling her towards him.

They glared at one another for several heartbeats. The intensity of Kathryn’s emotional upheaval had quickened her breathing and Chakotay could feel the rapid thrum of her pulse under his hand. He held her gaze but from the corner of his eye, he could see her other arm rise to hit him.

His reflexes were sharp and he grabbed the remaining wrist as well. Shaking his head slowly, he spoke in quiet measured tones. “Don’t _ever_ raise your hand to me, Kathryn. I put up with a great deal, but I will not tolerate that.”

Kathryn’s eyes narrowed and she hissed. “I will do as I see fit. Let go, Commander.”

“I don’t think so. I’m not turning a blind eye this time. We fix this now, Kathryn.”

As she tried to pull free again, he took both of her hands in one of his and held them tightly against his chest.

The manoeuvre brought her body flush against him but he kept his eyes glued to hers. They stood like that for several seconds, each gauging the other’s reactions, neither willing to give an inch as they silently tried to best the other.

This was the closest he’d been to her since that moment during the plasma storm on New Earth and even as he tried to stop himself, the battle was lost before it had begun; he could feel himself stirring and stiffening against her. She had to be able to feel it, too, and, when her eyes dropped to his mouth and her tongue darted out to lick her dry lips, Chakotay knew how this was going to end.

Pressing against her more firmly, he left her in no doubt about the effect she was having on him.

Smoky blue eyes met his steadily as she almost imperceptibly tilted her hips towards him.

He whispered. “Don’t toy with me, Kathryn.”

She didn’t say anything but some of the tension left her as she pressed her body closer to him. Her hands were still firmly in his grasp but she made no attempt to struggle or pull free.

Chakotay was pretty sure this wasn’t a good idea; in fact, he was certain. A small but strident voice in the back of his mind urged him to pull away before it was too late, but there was an even more insistent voice telling him that to retreat now might be even more damaging. Kathryn’s self-esteem was at an all time low and to reject her could be devastating, making matters so much worse, but he was unsure of her motivation – and his.

Taking a deep breath, he did some very quick self-analysis. Was he merely justifying himself – attaching some kind of psychological epithet merely to sanction the fact that he wanted her – wanted her more than his next breath? He began to withdraw but she inched forward, maintaining contact. Her intentions were clear and he began to walk her back towards the bulkhead, figuring that she would call a halt to proceedings if he’d misinterpreted her meaning.

Her back thudded against the wall near her bedroom but her eyes never left his. Her lips parted as she panted in quick shallow breaths and her pupils were so dilated that her eyes appeared almost black. Although she gave the impression that she was fighting against what was happening, her body spoke for itself, undulating against his; the fiery heat of her skin through the fabric of her uniform and the heady scent of her arousal sending him almost insane with desire.

In one final show of bravado, her nostrils flared as she rasped. “Fuck you.”

In the four years that he’d known her, he’d never heard her swear and the sound of _those_ words coming from _her_ lips was his undoing.

His mouth crashed onto hers and his free hand swept up her chest to grasp the side of her neck, his fingers tangling in the hair at the base of her skull, his thumb pressing along her jaw. She cried out into his mouth, the sound something between disbelief and desire – he wasn’t in any state to decipher which.

Kathryn began tugging her hands away to free them and for a heartbeat, he held them tighter before letting go and pulling away from the kiss at the same time. He waited for a shove or slap but instead one of her hands grabbed the front of his jacket and the other stroked up his front, her fingers weaving into his hair and pulling painfully at the strands as she hauled his face towards hers. Her mouth clamped onto his. The kiss tasted of desperation and when he felt her lips quiver and heard the sounds of her crying into his mouth, he slowly drew away again, gentling their embrace.

He brushed his lips over her forehead and rubbed his cheek against her hair. “Kathryn, as much as I want this, it’s probably not a good idea. Not when you’re feeling like this.”

She went rigid in his arms. “You want my ship but not me. _Get the hell out!”_

Ignoring her outburst, Chakotay leant into her more firmly, his erection pressing into the softness of her belly, right above her pubic bone. He left her in no doubt as to what he wanted and while rubbing his cheek softly against hers, he whispered in her ear. “Kathryn, I don’t care about the ship, I don’t care about anything but you in this moment. All I’ve ever wanted is you, from when I first laid eyes on you.” He kissed his way to her lips and breathed hotly against them, his voice no more than a gruff rasp. “I’ve wanted to fuck you so hard, so often that I’m almost half crazy with wanting you.”

Kathryn groaned. _“Oh god.”_ And in the darkness of her quarters, her eyes stared piercingly into his, her breathing shallow and fast, her movements jagged.

Chakotay’s hand travelled down her side and cupped her buttock. “If you really don’t want this, just say no.”

She was silent; the only sound in the quiet was that of their rapid breathing and the soft swish of hands moving over clothing.

Taking her silence as his answer, Chakotay lifted her leg and hooked it over his hip and bending his knees, he ground his erection into her centre.

Kathryn gasped, her fingers curling into his jacket, her head tilting forward to press into his shoulder. “We shouldn’t but…”

“But what, Kathryn?” He rocked against her and felt her jolt back towards him, her body crying out for release.

“I can’t remember the last time someone held me like this, when someone wanted me.” Her voice sounded strained, the emotion of the moment almost overwhelming her.

Chakotay’s heart ached for her and he wrapped his arms tightly around her; his lips found hers as their bodies ground and rocked together. He wanted to touch her, to feel her skin but it would mean pulling away – breaking contact – and he couldn’t do that; it would kill him. So instead, he thrust against her as she countered his every movement, both of them grunting and heaving as their bodies writhed in unison.

She orgasmed violently, screaming into his mouth as she came. He’d felt her stiffen and slammed his mouth over hers to stifle the sound and share in the taste of her moment of ecstasy. She arched against him, thrashing and juddering in almost brutal jolts. Her fingers pulled at his jacket, the strength of her climax so powerful that he heard the fabric rend in her hands.

Holding her tight, his arousal and climax forgotten, Chakotay guided her through the physical and emotional upheaval of her first orgasm in four years by another’s hands. Her emotional frailty was all too obvious but there was strength there as well and he knew if she could tap into that, she would survive and subsequently they would make it through.

As her body began to relax, her mouth softened under his and she kissed him properly for the first time. It was a kiss of love, not one of punishment or retaliation. He returned it as he eased her leg to the floor.

Kathryn pulled her lips away from his and let her forehead rest against his chin. “Thank you for not leaving.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Kathryn.”

“And I do trust you.”

“I know that.” She nodded against him before kissing his jaw and working her way towards his mouth again. At the same time, she ran her hands up underneath his torn jacket, pushing it off his shoulders and letting it slip to the floor. “I owe you one.”

Before he could respond by asking her whether she was referring to his jacket or something else entirely, her hand stroked down over his front towards the fastenings of his trousers. Her lips met his again and as she unzipped his pants and slid her hand down the front of his underwear to fondle him, all thoughts of the mundane fled his mind, in fact the world around him faded from reality.

Kathryn suddenly wrenched her lips away from his and he opened his eyes in surprise.

It was pitch black in her quarters, and he instantly became aware that the hum of the engines had stopped.

Her hand slipped from his trousers to tap her combadge, but she still had one hand on his chest gripping the fabric of his shirt as she spoke. “Janeway to Bridge, what’s going on?” There was no answer. “Janeway to Engineering.” Still nothing. “Communications must be down as well as power.”

Within a heartbeat, they were all business.

The ship was in danger and there was no time to think of anything else.

Letting go of his shirt, Kathryn patted his chest and spoke decisively. “Don’t move. I’ll find some light.”

Chakotay couldn’t see her in the heavy shroud of darkness but could hear her moving around her quarters coupled with the sound of doors or drawers opening. All of a sudden, the living area was flooded with light. He blinked a couple of times as his eyes adjusted and found her shrugging on her jacket, a SIMM beacon on one wrist and a phaser rifle in the other hand.

“Here, you take these.” She tossed him a phaser, which he tucked into his trousers, and a SIMM beacon that he strapped to his wrist. “We’d better get out there and find out what’s going on.” They stepped out of her quarters, shining their lights into the darkness in opposite directions.

Chakotay gave her a nod. “I’ll see what’s happening in Engineering.”

“I’ll head to the Bridge.”

He turned to move towards the Jefferies tubes, when her hand grasped his arm. “Chakotay? Thank you.” There was a brief pause and then a husky, “Later?”

He nodded. “Later.”

She looked at him for a second longer, gave him a small smile and then disappeared down the darkened corridor.

He watched the light fade around the bend before taking off at a run through the pitch-black ship.

This was the beginning of their encounter with the Void Aliens and the Malon.

* * *

After forty-eight hours of negotiations, failed diplomacy and confrontation, Voyager and her crew finally found themselves bursting through the exit aperture of a vortex that led from the Void into open space. They were safe again, with the added bonus of another two years shaved off their journey. Kathryn had once more tempted the Fates and, against the odds, they’d survived.

Although the worst was over, there were still problems that had to be dealt with and issues that needed to be addressed.

Much to Chakotay’s dismay, Kathryn had attempted yet another reckless and self-destructive act. She’d ordered him to take command of Voyager and navigate the vortex to safety. It was her intention to stay behind in a shuttle and destroy the aperture from inside the Void to prevent the Malon from returning and further contaminating the area with their antimatter waste. With an air of cool detachment she’d put forward her proposal, making it appear as yet another selfless and courageous act by the captain to save Voyager and the dying Aliens. But as far as Chakotay was concerned, it was no less than a suicide mission and another thinly disguised attempt to atone for a long list of imagined wrongs.

The minute she’d asked him if he was ready to captain the ship, he’d known that she planned something reckless. He took the precaution of speaking to Tuvok and the senior staff about his concerns and by presenting a united front, they were well prepared and able to counter her attempt to embark on this foolhardy scheme.

The crew ‘mutinied’ en masse and refused to allow her to sacrifice herself. There had been a short but memorable standoff on the Bridge before she’d grudgingly acquiesced – they’d left her no option – but Chakotay knew that it wasn’t the end of the matter and he had a difficult road ahead of him to deal with the fallout.

Back in normal space once more – the viewports and screens filled with stars, nebulas and planets – the crew’s relief was tangible. It was a remarkable sight but sitting beside Kathryn, he could feel the tension rolling off her in waves. After a minute or two, she snapped to her feet and began walking towards the Ready Room. Without looking at him, she called over her shoulder. “Commander, with me, please.”

Chakotay took a deep breath and followed her, glancing towards Tuvok as he passed the Tactical station. Unspoken understanding passed between the two men before he stepped into her inner sanctum, the doors closing behind him with a snap.

Kathryn was already standing behind her desk, her arms crossed and her expression stern. “At ease, Commander.”

He tried to sense her mood but she was as inscrutable as ever and he wasn’t sure if this was a good or a bad thing. As tempting as it was to sweep her into his arms and kiss her senseless, he instead stood his ground and observed.

Her eyes narrowed as she watched him warily. “I wasn’t joking out there. I could have you all court-martialled.”

“You could try, but you won’t.”

“Don’t tempt me.”

“Kathryn, again I’m going to be blunt; what you planned to do was foolhardy. You have to grant that. Besides, we would never have let you do it, even if it meant spending the entire two years in that Void.”

She turned slowly towards the viewport to stare at the bright array of stars. Her shoulders sagged and her arms dropped to her sides. “I’ve done it, haven’t I?”

He’d been expecting some sort of angry retort and her resigned tone surprised him. “Done what?”

“Irreparably undermined my captaincy.” Suddenly, she stood tall and, holding her head high, turned back towards him. “You warned me and you were right. As I see it, you should take command. I’ll make the appropriate recommendations and changes immediately. Computer, remove Kathryn Janeway as commanding officer of Voy…”

“Hey, just wait a goddamned minute.” Chakotay vaulted around the desk. “Computer, belay that order. What the hell are you doing?”

“What’s best for the ship and its crew. I can’t possibly function as captain after what I’ve done.” She shook her head. “Not just today but in the weeks leading up to this. It’s for the best.”

“The hell it is.” He gripped her shoulders. “Damn it, Kathryn! You are the most exasperating woman I’ve ever met. Didn’t you learn anything from what happened today?”

“Only that I’m not to be trusted in close quarters with my first officer _and_ that I’m a failure as a captain.”

Chakotay gritted his teeth and heaved an exasperated sigh. “Oh, great. _So that’s_ how you see it? The fact that the crew care so deeply for you and were willing to spend two years in that hellish Void rather than lose you is considered a failure _and_ the single most amazing moment of _my_ life – making love to you – is reduced to some sort of aberrant behaviour on your part. Damn it, I could shake you.”

“I was weak.”

“No, you were human; get used to it. It’s what you are.”

“I’m supposed to be the captain.”

“I really am going to shake you, you know. Those two things aren’t mutually exclusive.” Chakotay released her lest he carried through with his threat. Breathing deeply, he ran his hand through his hair and tried to gain control of his temper. “You _are_ the captain, the very best we could possibly have and without you we wouldn’t stand a chance of getting home.”

She snapped. “Of course, you would. Don’t cajole me.”

“All right, maybe we would get home, but we don’t want to do it that way, not if it’s within our power to avoid losing you.” Chakotay leant forward and kissed her cheek. “Think about what happened today, Kathryn, not from your jaundiced perspective but from where the crew and I stand, and see how that changes things. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised. You saved another Delta Quadrant species; the crew proved to you that they are loyal to a fault and would have stayed in the Void without question if it meant keeping you with us. And I got to make love to the woman whom I cherish with all my heart.”

Staring at him, her hand drifted up to touch her cheek where he’d kissed her, and then it dropped to her side again.

He took the opportunity to push the point. “Just think about it, Kathryn and then decide what you want to do.”

Swallowing, she pushed back. “What if I decide to step down?”

“Then I’ll take over.”

She nodded and sat down at her desk. The dismissal was clear but he couldn’t leave without one last attempt to get her to see reason. “Kathryn, what happened today, all of it, had nothing to do with weakness; it was all about love. I love you and the crew love you. It’s as simple as that and something you should be proud of as both Kathryn and the captain. Think about it.” Before she could respond, Chakotay turned on his heel and left the room.

* * *

He gave Tuvok a look before he took his seat at the centre console. There wasn’t anything more he could say to her, not after what had happened in her quarters. He just hoped that this didn’t mean the end of their friendship as well as the opportunity to move on with their relationship. Perhaps he should have listened to that voice in his head telling him to back off, but it was too late now. He prayed that she would find the strength and sense to step away from the situation and look at it objectively – a difficult thing to do while in her state of mind.

His anger and frustration had all but dissipated and he could also feel the emotional tone of the ship had shifted as well. The crew were relieved to be in open space again and the leap of two years was a huge shot in the arm for morale. Neelix was, of course, planning a party and depending on the outcome of Kathryn’s self-analysis, it was either going to be a joyous occasion or sombre one. Chakotay wasn’t sure enough of the result to place a bet at this point.

_“Janeway to Tuvok. Report to my Ready Room.”_

“Aye, Captain.” Again, the two men exchanged glances as Tuvok moved away from his station. The staid Vulcan disappeared behind the Ready Room doors and Chakotay resisted the urge to heave a sigh. He would give anything to be a fly on the wall for that conversation. Pulling up long-range scan information, he occupied his mind with navigational data while consciously trying not to think of what was happening in the Ready Room, an almost impossible task.

Twenty minutes later, Tuvok emerged and returned to his station. Chakotay looked at him questioningly but the dour Vulcan merely offered him an inscrutable stare and returned to his console.

Vulcans, damn them!

Alpha shift ended an hour later and glancing towards the Ready Room door, Chakotay decided not to approach Kathryn. He knew that if she felt cornered, she would respond accordingly, retreating as she’d always done, and he wanted her to feel free to make up her own mind about their situation. He’d told her how he felt; now it was up to her.

* * *

Soft music played in the background while Chakotay showered and dressed for the party. When his door chimed, he called from his bedroom for his visitor to enter and after hearing the door open and close, he moved out into the living area, pulling on his shirt as he exited the bedroom.

“Hello, Chakotay.”

Tucking his shirt into his pants, he smiled. “Kathryn. You look lovely.”

She was wearing a simple dark blue dress that flattered her figure and highlighted the blue of her eyes; it was those eyes that held his attention. There was something different about her – a calmness or composure, it was difficult to put his finger on exactly. Whatever it was, it suited her and Chakotay wondered how this change would manifest itself.

Interestingly, he didn’t have long to wait. Kathryn walked forward and stood only inches from him.

Her perfume and proximity had an immediate and intense effect on him as they always did. Chakotay wasn’t sure if she was aware of what she was doing but when she smiled, tilting her head to the side slightly, her eyes remaining locked with his, he knew.

She spoke quietly, her voice mellow and resonant. “I’ve already made a brief appearance at the party. The crew were pleased to see me and I told Neelix that we’d be back, but that we’d be at least another hour. He didn’t seem to mind.”

“An hour?”

 _“At least.”_ Her hand found his, her fingers loosely tangling with his. She was hesitant in her manner, something he’d never before equated with Kathryn Janeway. He wasn’t sure if she was uncertain about him, herself or them. This was something they needed to deal with though, before they moved forward.

“Kathryn, you seem reluctant, doubtful.” Chakotay wove his fingers through hers and lifting both her hands, cradled them gently between his own. It was almost a mirror image of what he had done earlier that day, sans the anger and tension.

She pulled one of her hands free and stroked over their entwined fingers. “Tuvok had some interesting things to say.” “Tuvok?”

“He is insisting that I have some counselling. He’s going to look at the Doctor’s program and see what he can do.”

Chakotay nodded. “I think that’s a sensible idea. It’s something we should probably all consider.”

A smile quirked at the corner of her mouth. “He knew, too.”

“Knew what?” “That we’d had ‘an encounter’”

 _That wily old Vulcan._ Chakotay smiled. “‘An encounter’? His words, I take it.”

Kathryn nodded. “I expected him to start spouting protocols and regulations. I was ready to defend myself and you, but he just nodded sagely – you know how he does that – and then he congratulated me on finally seeing the sense to choose you as my bond-mate.”

“He said that?”

Nodding, Kathryn’s smile broadened. “I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I’d had little choice in the matter because, in a fit of pique, my first officer refused to leave my quarters.”

Chakotay’s mouth twisted into a wry smile. “That’s not quite how I remember it, but I suppose it’s a matter of perspective.”

“Perspective? And what was yours?”

He lifted their entwined hands to his mouth and kissed her fingers. “Simply that I had to save you from yourself and also that I finally had the opportunity to make love to you – something I’ve wanted to do for almost as long as I’ve known you.” He shrugged. “I was concerned about your frame of mind and there was a lot of internal arguing going on in my head. I questioned myself as to whether or not I was doing the right thing but desperate times call for desperate measures.”

Kathryn frowned, sadness dimming her eyes. “And I was desperate.” She slipped her hand from his and pressed it to her mouth for a moment before she held her clenched fist against her chest. “Terribly desperate and I wasn’t sure what to do. The only thing I could think of was to stand aside or at least do something to redeem myself. Tuvok had a word or two to say about that, too. He can be brutal when he wants to be.”

“I can imagine. He’s not one to soft pedal the truth.”

“Neither is someone else I know.” She glanced at him sideways. “But I have to thank you for standing by me even though I didn’t deserve your loyalty. I would have understood if you’d frogmarched me to the shuttle bay and booted me out the hanger doors. I’ve been a pretty poor captain of late and an even worse friend.”

“None of us has been at our best over the last couple of months. You’re in good company.”

“You’re too kind. And I really mean that. I’ve been a prize bitch and I apologise.”

He laughed.

Kathryn frowned. “What’s so funny?”

“You are.”

She gave him a stern look. “I’m not trying to be.”

He leaned towards her. “Kathryn, I’ve heard you curse more today than I have in four years. I have to say that I rather like it.”

“You’re an odd man, Commander.”

Drawing back a little, he wondered if he’d overstepped the mark by reminding her of what had happened earlier that day. With emotions still teetering on the verge of fragile, he assumed from her use of his title that perhaps she wasn’t ready to address the matter of their lovemaking.

With a frown, she stood tall and looked every bit the captain except for the hint of vulnerability in her eyes. “Have I said something?”

“No, no. Nothing. I just don’t want to push you. You are a strong woman, Kathryn, but you carry a heavy load; I don’t want to add to your burdens.”

She looked at him for a long moment then began to blink rapidly. It took a moment before he realised she was holding back tears.

His heart ached. “Now I’ve upset you. I apologise.”

Huffing a laugh and Kathryn gave him a watery smile. “We’re going to have to stop doing that, too.”

He raised his brow in question.

She gave a half shrug. “Apologising to one another. We’ve done more of that today than we’ve ever done before as well.”

“A day of firsts.”

Her eyes met his.

He hadn’t meant for that to be such a clumsy segue into the issue of their lovemaking but as inadvertent as it may have been, it gave them an opening. The ball was still in her court though, so he waited.

She turned away from him slightly and he followed her gaze to the viewport and the passing stars. He studied her profile while she spoke.

“I was wrong about that, too – about protocols and us.” She shook her head sadly. “So much time wasted. I’ve been wrong about so many things that it eats me up inside. I’d always thought I was relatively smart, but apparently I’m not.”

Chakotay smiled warmly and after taking her hand again, loosely wove his fingers through hers, much in the same way she’d done when she first arrived in his quarters. “You’re incredibly smart, Kathryn; don’t ever doubt that. But out here things are different. We don’t have Starfleet or the Federation as back up and as much as I agree with you about maintaining our principles and adhering to the tenets of Starfleet rules and regulations, we have to temper them with common sense and the realisation that we might be out here for a very long time – quite likely our entire lifetimes.”

She didn’t move or say anything, so with everything to lose yet buoyed by the hope that he could convince her of the positive aspects of being together, Chakotay persevered. “I’m not going to pressure you, Kathryn. I want you to be comfortable with your decision. You have a lifetime of conditioning to overcome, but I need you to know that I’m here to stay. I’ll support you in whatever decision you make. If you want us to be together, I’ll be over the moon, but if you decide otherwise, I’ll honour that decision, too. I’ll stay by your side, share this command, be your friend and confidant and help you in any way that I can. I won’t abandon you.”

Her head snapped towards him and she stared at him wide-eyed. She looked almost panicked. “Why would you use that word?”

He frowned and thought back to what he’d said. “Abandon?”

Kathryn nodded, her eyes narrowing.

Chakotay shrugged and thought carefully for a moment. “Being left behind or abandoned is a frightening concept and you’re not alone in those fears, Kathryn. We’ve both been victim to losses that have left us heartsore and bereft. It’s not easy to overcome that sort of hurt. We create all sorts of defences to keep us safe and guard against it happening again.”

He noticed her frown deepen slightly, but continued. Some things just had to be said. “When I first received news of the murder of my family, my initial reaction was anger. Most of that anger was directed at the Cardassians and, of course, myself for not being there to protect them. But there was also a small but soul-destroying portion of it aimed at my family and in particular, my father. They needn’t have died. It was their choice to stay on Dorvan, a choice furnished by my father’s stubborn refusal to see the risks that were right in front of him. His rigid adherence to his principles put them all in danger and for a long time I blamed him and carried that anger with me. But time has healed that wound even though the core of that fear persists. It’s frightening to be alone.”

Kathryn gave him a studied look. “A soldier and a psychologist. You’re a man of contradictions Chakotay.”

He smiled warmly. “So my father always said.”

Kathryn was quiet for a moment longer, then squeezed his hand and turned towards him. “You’re right. It’s textbook stuff and it sounds as though your father and I are cut from similar uncompromising cloth. But I do understand. You and I have both lost people who were pivotal in our lives. I lost my father and Justin, and then Mark.” She shrugged. “Not that I expected him to wait for me.” And heaving a deep sigh, she edged closer to Chakotay. “I’m not too proud to admit that I don’t like being alone. I can live a solitary existence if forced to, but it’s not my natural state of being.”

Chakotay let his other hand skim down her arm and gently grasped her free hand. The movement brought them face to face. “There’s nothing wrong with needing people, Kathryn. It’s only human. You’re not a machine and no one expects you to behave like one. We’re here for you; I’m here for you.” He took a small step back allowing her the space she needed if her decision came down on the side of keeping their relationship purely professional. “It’s entirely up to you; the choice has always been yours.”

But as always, Kathryn Janeway was nothing if not decisive. Taking a step forward, she quickly closed the distance between them. Then letting go of his hands, she cupped his face as she looked deeply into his eyes. “What would I do without you?” Before he could answer, she continued. “That was a rhetorical question by the way; I don’t even want to contemplate the answer.”

He watched her as she searched his face; her eyes roaming from his brow to his mouth and then back to his eyes again. In a voice that sounded almost pained, she whispered. “The truth is I do want it all.”

Then taking a deep breath, she let her hands slide down his neck to rest on his chest. “As much as I’ve tried to deny myself, I want everything; the closeness, the acceptance, a lover, even a family. But since our encounter with the Caretaker I’ve always felt that it would be selfish of me to even consider having those things when I was solely responsible for tearing so many people away from their families and loved ones.”

Kathryn’s eyes drifted away from his, her fingers curling to grip his shirt gently as she continued talking. “My isolation was my penance for what I’d done.”

Chakotay didn’t move but let her talk. None of this was news to him but he was relieved to hear her at last articulate her feelings of guilt and remorse – however misplaced. She’d borne them so stoically for too long.

Her next move didn’t surprise him but it did make him smile. She closed the distance between them, her arms winding around his waist as she rested her cheek against his shoulder. Without hesitating, he wrapped his arms around her and held her tight.

Kathryn had made her decision.

She hummed. “Hmmm, this is what I’ve missed. Touch and contact. I haven’t been this close to anyone I wasn’t trying to kill or maim since Kes left and that can’t be healthy.”

“I’m happy to oblige anytime, Kathryn.”

He could feel her smile and hear it in her voice. “Why am I not surprised by that?” Without loosening her grip, she pulled back a little and looked into his smiling face. “I love you. You know that, don’t you?”

He nodded. “I know and I love you, too.”

Her smile broadened. “Thank you for not giving up on me.”

“I would never give up on you, Kathryn.”

“I think you were getting pretty close to it this morning, not that I blame you but I’m grateful that you didn’t.”

“My pleasure.”

Her eyebrow quirked and her eyes glinted with humour. “Oh, and about that. I still owe you one.”

Chakotay grinned broadly, delighted to join in the game. “Owe me one? You mean a uniform jacket?”

“Umm, that too.” Her mouth curled into a beaming smile and she began to push him back towards the couch.

Chakotay raised his eyebrows. “Aren’t we due on the holodeck for a party?”

Kathryn nodded. “Yes; in a while, but first things first. I told Neelix that we had some unfinished business to attend to. And I figure that once Tom, Harry and B’Elanna hear about that, they’ll put two and two together and arrive at the correct conclusion. And if it not, then Tuvok will undoubtedly set the record straight.”

Chakotay was a little wary. It had been a day of emotional extremes. “You don’t mind the crew speculating about what we’re doing?” Her hands were stroking firmly across his chest, her body pressing up against his as he shuffled backwards.

“Apparently, they speculate about what we’re doing whether we’re ‘doing it’ or not, so I don’t see that it makes much difference; besides, this is long overdue. You’ve been right all along. If I want to survive with my sanity intact, I have to be a little more flexible in my interpretation of Starfleet protocols and regulations.” A subtle note of hesitance entered her voice. “I’m sure they won’t mind.”

He placed his hands over hers where they rested on his chest and brought them to a standstill. He wasn’t sure if she meant Starfleet or the crew but the answer was the same for both. “They won’t mind but I meant what I said, Kathryn; if this isn’t what you really want or if you’re not ready to take this step, I’ll stand by you regardless. I love you and I know you love me but that doesn’t mean that anything has to change.”

Her forehead thudded against his chest and her shoulders shook. For a moment, he wasn’t sure if she was laughing or crying.

“Kathryn?”

She looked up, smiling. Relieved, he could see the laughter in her eyes and she cupped his cheek again. “You know you’re just too damned nice for your own good. Here I am trying to seduce you and you’re worried about my reputation. It makes me love you all the more but I’m rather out of practice with this sort of thing and need all the help I can get. Mind you, after this morning’s display, it appears I’m a quick study.” She grinned broadly.

Her amusement was contagious and he chuckled. She appeared gleefully unapologetic about their earlier encounter and his heart soared. “Practice or not, it’s working for me.” Chakotay let go of her hand and gripping her hips, pulled her hard against him. He was aroused; her proximity made it almost impossible not to be.

Kathryn raised her eyebrows in surprise. “I have to know. Does _this…_ ” She draped her arms around his neck and ground her pubis against the straining bulge in his pants. “… happen every time you’re near me?”

She was teasing him now and he could see the mischievous spark in her eyes; it had all but blotted out the haunted look that had shadowed their blue depths for so long and he was more than willing to play along.

He grinned slyly and nodded. “Uh huh. I’ve been walking around with a hard-on for over four years. It’s been torture. And once I’ve seen you naked…” He shook his head in mock despair. “…I’ll probably have to have a special uniform made.”

She laughed and her hands made quick work of the fastener of his pants. Sporting her signature half-smile, she quipped. “Who said anything about seeing me naked?”

In a swift movement, she tugged his trousers over his hips and shoved him back onto the couch.

Chakotay sat with a thud, his erection pressing painfully against the tight confines of his briefs. “You’re not going to get naked? I know it’s been a while and I hate to be a stickler for details but do I need to remind you of the basics.”

Wearing a dazzling smile, Kathryn inched forward, hoisted the hem of her dress to her mid-thigh and then stood astride his legs. “Details? I hear it’s like riding a bike. But be sure to give me pointers if you feel the need.” Leaning forward she kissed him but as she did so, she let her dress fall and then hooked her fingers into the sides of his boxers.

Chakotay very helpfully lifted his bottom off the couch and his erection sprang free as she pulled down his underwear. He took a deep breath and watched as her gaze dropped to his groin. She stared for a long moment before she looked up at him again and grinned. Then the torture began as she reached down and ran the nail of her forefinger along the length of him.

She licked her lips.

Chakotay groaned and knew, without a doubt, that she was well versed in the basics and more.

At the sound, her eyes darted back up to his and she lowered herself onto his bent knees, whispering gruffly. “See, there’s no need to get naked.”

Chakotay’s hands slid up her thighs, pushing up and under her dress until he clasped the bare cheeks of her ass. She wasn’t wearing any underwear! With this realisation, the air whooshed from his lungs. She’d been standing in front of him all this time, naked as the day she was born except for that filmy blue dress. He almost came there and then.

Letting his head to drop back, Chakotay scrunched his eyes closed and concentrated on anything other than the fact that Kathryn was inching her way closer to him, her bare thighs sliding across his, the heat of her radiating against him and the scent of her arousal billowing around him like a heady cloud. He could feel himself pulsing and twitching; his orgasm precariously close.

As their groins met and she pressed herself against him, the heat and dampness of her folds nestling against his erect penis; he bit the inside of his cheek to avoid coming.

Seemingly unaware of his agony, she stroked her fingers through the hair on his temples and she kissed him sweetly before whispering in his ear. “What are you thinking about?”

In a strained gasp, he blurted. “Lunch.” It was the absolute truth.

Chakotay felt Kathryn jolt back and opened his eyes to meet her astonished gaze.

She almost squeaked. _“’Lunch’?”_

He tried to laugh but it sounded more like a tortured moan. “If I don’t think of something other than the fact that you’re sitting bare-assed on my lap, it’s all going to be over bar the shouting. Neelix’s plica-rind casserole was the best diversion I could come up with under the circumstances. You have no idea what you do to me, woman.”

For a split second, Chakotay worried that he’d made a terrible mistake but he should have known better. Kathryn burst out laughing and then kissed him soundly. Pulling away, she gave him a sympathetic look. “Poor you. And it was leftovers.” But even as she spoke, she reached down and wrapped her hand around his shaft and rising slightly, played the tip of his penis through her wet folds.

He held his breath and kept his eyes locked on hers until she placed him against her opening. Unable to resist, he pulled her skirt up to her waist and watched as she sank down, enveloping him in her welcoming warmth. She hissed quietly at the intrusion but as their sexes ground together, her auburn curls mingling with his darker ones, he let her dress drop again and glanced up at her.

Kathryn’s eyes fluttered closed and a beatific smile lit her face.

It was all he’d ever imagined but he didn’t dare move and gritted his teeth as she began to raise and lower herself in an ever-increasing rhythm. His fingers dug into the soft flesh of her buttocks, his thumbs digging into the hollow of her hipbones. He knew he would leave marks on her pale skin but as hard as he tried to loosen his grip, the sensations were too intense and it took all his effort to stop himself from throwing her onto the couch and pounding into her.

He was in heaven and hell – so aroused he knew he would last only moments but wanting the sensations to go on forever. In an effort to prolong the experience, his mind darted from one lust-dampening thought to the next, but it was to no avail. And when Kathryn leaned forward and whispered in his ear, “Let go, my love. Come for me,” he was lost.

With a guttural roar, he slammed his hips into her, arching to meet her as he pressed her body down onto his. Their groins ground together; the wet sounds of their joining playing a staccato accompaniment to their guttural groans and sighs. With one final heave, he emptied himself into her in great pulsing spurts.

He was almost incapacitated, verging on unconsciousness, but then Kathryn’s forehead pressed against his and her warm breath feathered across his face, cooling the droplets of perspiration that had formed on his upper lip and neck. He smiled and his eyes fluttered open.

Kathryn hadn’t come but was rocking gently back and forth, and he could feel the tremors of her inner muscles as they begged for release.

Sliding his hand from Kathryn’s hip, he pressed his thumb against her clit, circling it gently. She jolted and gasped, and with lips open and panting, she increased her rhythm. The movement made his softening penis slip from her and she let out a yelp of dismay. Without slowing his pace, Chakotay slid her from his lap, onto the couch and, kneeling by her side, took her lips in a bruising kiss. In the same movement, his hand skimmed over her belly, revelling in the feel of her skin as it rippled under his gentle stroking. She moaned and lifted her hips towards his questing hand and he slipped two fingers inside her, his thumb still pressing firmly against her hardened clit.

Pushing her dress further up her front, he kissed his way to her to the sensitive skin below her breasts, his fingers slipping under her bodice to roll and tease her nipples. She thrust her chest forward, but her dress was a barrier, so instead he bit gently through the fabric, eliciting a series of cries and whimpers.

He inserted a third finger into her vagina and kissed his way down her front again, nuzzling her mound before blowing across her heated flesh.

Kathryn arched off the couch, her cries becoming louder as he snaked his tongue between her folds to taste her. Her fingers tangled in his hair and she tugged his head away from her and gasped. “Too much.”

He grinned and slid his lips up her abdomen again as he curled his fingers inside her, pressing them against her g-spot while flicking her clit with his thumb at the same time.

With a startled cry, Kathryn opened her eyes wide and stared at him for a split second before she tipped over the edge, a grimace of ecstasy squeezing her eyes shut again. Her inner muscles clamped hard around his fingers as she came. One hand gripped his forearm, her fingernails biting into his skin; her other hand flailed wildly as she tried to find something to hold onto. Her keening cries and total abandonment were a joy to behold.

Slowly the rigour eased and he kissed her lips softly, whispering that he loved her as he soothed her down from her climax.

Her eyes remained closed and after sweeping her hair away from her forehead, he studied her face. The lines around her mouth and eyes had softened and she looked blissfully content. Chakotay smiled.

She opened her eyes to meet his gaze and a lazy grin spread across her features. It broadened as she glanced down at herself. Chakotay followed her look and marvelled. She was lying sprawled along the couch, her skin flushed rosy pink, her dress bunched up above her waist, his fingers still buried deep within her.

He began to withdraw his hand but she placed her hand over his. “Not just yet. You don’t mind staying there for a little longer, do you?”

Chakotay shook his head. “I can’t think of anywhere else I’d rather be, although it might make dancing at the party a little awkward.”

Kathryn laughed and clamped her legs together trapping his hand where it was. “I’m sure we can work something out.” Sitting up, she wrapped her other arm around his neck, then kissed him deeply, her tongue dipping past his lips to toy with his. She pulled back slowly, stroking her fingers over his tattoo and smiled. “I love to dance.”

He grinned, delighted to see her so at ease with their situation. This was the Kathryn Janeway he knew and loved. “I know and it’s been far too long since you did.”

“We’ve never danced together. In all our years out here and all the holodeck parties we’ve attended, we never have. Why is that?”

His mouth twisted into a wry smile and he wriggled his fingers inside her, making her squirm before he withdrew them and trailed their dampness across her lower belly; her skin twitched and rippled under his touch. “It’s not that I didn’t want to…” He bent lower and traced his fingers’ path with his tongue then blew a cooling breath across her skin and watched delightedly as it pimpled with goosebumps.

Pulling his shirt over his head and kicking his pants all the way off, he climbed onto the couch and lay between her open thighs, his flaccid penis nestled against her sex, still sticky with their combined juices. “Do you really need to ask?”

He watched her brow furrow for a moment but when he wriggled against her and began to stiffen, her look of consternation turned to one of comprehension. “Oh, _that_ reason.” She squirmed again and grinned. “If this keeps up, we might have to look into replicating you those special uniforms.”

Chakotay rolled his eyes at the less-than-subtle pun. “If I’m going to have to wear peculiar pants then the jokes had better improve.”

Kathryn gave him a look. “Everyone’s a critic.”

They both grinned but as they held each other’s gazes their smiles slowly faded.

She had something to say and he waited patiently, stroking the side of her face with the back of his fingers, tracing the line of her jaw and the hollows of her cheeks.

He watched her eyes flick to his tattoo and then back to meet his gaze again before she took a deep breath, heaved a sigh and said quickly. “I won’t do it again.”

Chakotay knew exactly what she meant but didn’t slow his caresses as he answered. “Yes you will.” When she opened her mouth to protest, he gently placed his fingers over her lips. “You’re a courageous woman, Kathryn, and it’s your nature to try to put right what is wrong – no matter how difficult or dangerous it may be.” She frowned but he ran his fingers across her forehead smoothing the lines. “It’s also the perilous nature of our job as Starfleet officers and there will be instances when we’ll be forced to risk our lives, and perhaps even sacrifice them for the greater good, but if the situation does arise, all I ask is that you take a moment to question your motives.”

She nodded slowly. “I will. I promise.”

He nodded and then kissed her lips. “Thank you.”

The light-hearted tone of their earlier banter had been replaced by a solemnity that reflected the true gravity of their situation. There existed the very real possibility that either one or both of them might not make it back to the Alpha Quadrant. Their mission was often treacherous, their positions as captain and first officer equally dangerous and – as the only Starfleet vessel in the Delta quadrant – the situation was precarious at best.

All these thoughts tumbled through Chakotay’s mind as he looked down at the woman he loved. He was certain that the same thoughts were going through her mind as well. And as the tears began to well in her eyes, he leaned down and kissed her deeply before whispering against her lips. “From now on, we love one another as though there is no tomorrow.”

She nodded slowly, but there was a glimmer of sadness in her eyes. “I wish it were that easy.”

He nodded. “I know, but we’ll do the best we can. It’s not as though we haven’t loved one another for years anyway. Knowing that has always brought me solace and peace, and it always will.”

Kathryn nodded and he was pleased to see the light of determination blot out the waver of indecision in her look. Her fingers brushed over his forehead, tracing the dark lines of his tattoo. “A very wise man once told me that one shouldn’t sacrifice the present for a future that might never be. I think at last it’s time for this eagle to sleep.”

His spirits soared with the knowledge that she’d remembered those conversations from New Earth. Filled with hope, he met her eyes, only now his own were stinging with the threat of tears. “We will do this together, Kathryn, as we’ve always done. But now we can take comfort in each other, share the burdens of command and the pressures of everyday life. We will give each other strength. That’s the power of love.”

“I’ve always known that but I sorely needed to be reminded of it. Now there’s a job description for you – reminding your captain that she’s loved.”

“It’s a tough job but someone’s got to do it,” He kissed her eyes then feathered kisses across her face until he met her lips, mumbling against them. “Luckily, I come highly qualified.”

Wrapping her legs around his waist, Kathryn tilted her hips to welcome him into her body once more. They made love again with a slow intensity that seared a fiery path to his heart, their love now branded indelibly on his soul. He revelled in the feeling of her body writhing under him, moving in perfect counter rhythm to his. The ease of their lovemaking and their preternatural ability to read each other’s movements carried them both spiralling towards their climaxes. Their eyes held each other in a singular gaze as their bodies arched and seized. Each simultaneous orgasm fed the other, their bodies locked in a curving rigour of ecstasy for countless moments until Kathryn’s plaintive cry broke the spell and they collapsed into each other’s arms to lie sticky, sated and at peace.

* * *

That peace was interrupted moments later by the insistent chirp of Kathryn’s combadge.

She sighed but then smiled at Chakotay’s grin. “Right on time.”

_“Neelix to the Captain and Commander.”_

“Janeway here, Neelix. What can we do for you?”

_“The crew were just wondering when you and the Commander were arriving; the party is really hopping and they’re becoming impatient. Someone mentioned sending out a search party for you.”_

 Chakotay grimaced as Kathryn rolled her eyes, but she smiled as she answered. “Tell them that we’ll be there in fifteen minutes.”

_“The countdown has started.”_

“Noted. Janeway out.”

Chakotay kissed her quickly and slid off the couch, then reached down and pulled her into his arms. “A quick shower and out the door in twelve minutes, do you think we can do it?”

“Easily.”

And they did. Chakotay threw Kathryn’s dress in the cleanser along with his clothes while they quickly showered. The temptation to continue their lovemaking under the warm fall of water was a difficult one to resist but the threat of a search party hurried them along. After Kathryn replicated some underwear, they dressed and were ready in just over ten minutes.

Tucking her arm through his, Chakotay stopped before triggering the doors and looked down at his captain, friend and lover. “Are you ready for this?”

With a decisive nod, she squeezed his arm against her side. “Absolutely. You?”

“More than ever.”

She grinned up at him before looking straight ahead. “Well, shall we?”

He nodded and glanced down at her. “Go on, you’re dying to say it.”

Giving him a playful shove with her shoulder, she laughed. “You know me too well.” She took a deep breath, stood on tiptoes and kissed his cheek before she grinned and snapped to attention. “Let’s do it.”

Both captain and first officer sported matching beaming smiles as they took a step forward. The doors swished open and they exited his quarters.

* * *

Within minutes they were outside the holodeck and much to Chakotay’s delight and surprise, Kathryn tucked herself closer into his side before stepping through the doors of Sandrine’s. They were greeted by a bustling Neelix, who fussed around them for a minute before his attention was caught by something behind the bar that was billowing acrid green smoke.

Kathryn looked up at Chakotay and winked. “Tomorrow’s lunch?”

He shook his head and laughed. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

Chakotay was delighted to see how pleased the crew were to see their captain. He and Kathryn stopped to talk with many as they wended their way through the happy crowd.

Chakotay could see Tom and Harry over by the pool table and B’Elanna waved them over. She handed them both a glass of wine. “It’s about time you got here. Poor Neelix was having kittens – almost literally.” She screwed her face up and shook her head. “Sorry, bad visual.” Before either of them could comment, she stepped back, looked them up and down, and smiled knowingly. “Well, I guess that’s the answer to that question. Congratulations. I’m really pleased for you both.”

Tom wandered over to retrieve his drink and clapped Chakotay on the back. “Tuvok tells us that congratulations are in order. Captain, it’s good to see you looking so well.”

Chakotay waited for her reaction and was relieved to hear the laughter in her voice as she answered. “Thank you, Tom, consider yourself struck off the court martial list.”

Tom had the good grace to look a little chastened. “Thank you, Captain, but I’m happy to stay on it if it means you won’t try that sort of thing again.” He put each arm around B’Elanna and Harry. “I’m in good company.”

“So you are. But rest assured, that was the last time. It would be a pointless exercise anyway. Even if I wanted to jump ship, it appears that the crew wouldn’t allow it.” Wearing a mock frown, she turned to Chakotay. “If everyone gets a say in what I do, does that mean I’m now captaining a democracy?”

He pondered the question for a moment then answered. “Well, I know I didn’t vote for you, so we’ll just have to call it a benevolent dictatorship.”

“That sounds more like it. Tyranny is much more my thing.”

Chakotay looked up to find their fellow Bridge officers grinning at them. Just then, the band began to play and all heads turned towards the music.

Using his cue as a prop, Tom stooped into a sweeping bow before offering Kathryn the pool cue. “My Liege, if you would deign to associate with a lowly pilot, would you care for a game?”

She smiled but shook her head. “Perhaps later, Tom. I’ve promised this dance to someone. Commander, if you’re free.”

Chakotay’s heart skipped a beat as she looked up at him, her face filled with love, her eyes clear and bright.

“It would be my pleasure, Captain.”

There were already several couples dancing and as Chakotay took Kathryn in his arms and spun them onto the dance floor, their fellow dancers smiled before continuing on their way.

As he glanced around the room at the crew, he found many eyes following them but all were watching with cheerful smiles; they appeared perfectly at ease seeing their command team together. Chakotay heaved a contented sigh and smiled.

He looked down to find Kathryn with the same expression and when she realised he was watching her, she lifted her eyes to his. “Our first dance.”

“The first of many.”

With a nod of confirmation that filled him with hope for the future, Kathryn tucked herself in closer and they danced on.

fin


End file.
